In my mind I simply asked Jesus
I was recently at a silent retreat and one of our leaders led us through an exercise, she proceeded to tell us to close our eyes and imagine Jesus walking towards us.
She then said “Jesus is going to ask you for something, ” and she wanted us to ask Him what He wanted that we were holding onto!
I tend to write down my questions, concerns and prayers to Jesus in my journal and then write what I sense He is telling me! Am I always right, probably NOT, but is it still worth the exercise? I do think so!
In this particular situation I especially believe it was Jesus, because what was revealed to me was something that was very true about me, but I would not have admitted to myself!!? because it wasn’t real pretty!
In my mind I simply asked Jesus what He wanted me to give Him and heard Him in my heart clearly say:
I was a little surprised to say the least, that was NOT was I was thinking!
(note* Jesus had been peeling back some layers of a fear that I had for many years and I think this was one more layer of my fear of marriage)
Below is our conversation directly from my journal:
Me: Jesus, I am giving you my independence, my need to do it all alone!
Jesus: It’s ok baby girl, I am with you and I don’t want you to have to do it all alone, you don’t have too
Me: I don’t want too, but I am scared
Jesus: What are you scared of sweetie
Me: I am scared to let someone else take care of me
Me: I don’t know what if they don’t know how?
Me: What if I am not good at letting them? What if I find out it is my fault?
Jesus: What is your fault?
Me: What if I am not good enough? What if they bug me?
Jesus: Why would they bug you?
Me: (it was blank)
Jesus: You don’t think I will give you grace Lindsay
Me: You hear all these bad stories Jesus, you hear how hard marriage is even with Christian people.
Jesus: but don’t you long for it Lindsay
Me: I think so; I think in the depths of my being I do Jesus
Jesus: You listen for the bad things, you are always trying to make a case against marriage or for independence like independence means you are better, it’s like pride.
Me: UGH! I think I want it but I think people who want marriage are weak and can’t do it themselves like I am stronger because I can! PRIDE…. PRIDE….
Me: Lord, I give you my pride, thinking I am better alone or better than others because I want to be alone almost like victim mentality! WHAT! Lord this IS crazy, please take this pride from me, PLEASE Lord!
——– End Journal Entry
I use to get really confused on which thoughts were mine, which were from Jesus and which were from the enemy, but I believe this was my Shepherd, walking me towards repentance and exposing some pride and fear in me, that were truthfully holding me back!
I love God, because He knows us better than we know ourselves, the Bible says, He knows every hair on our head! He knows what we need before we ask! He is a good God and He wants to reveal these hidden things in you also and the great part is, it is all in LOVE. He wants us to be FREE from all the YUCK!