An {Only God} Story of Mine

As I am currently writing some {Only God} stories!

I wanted to share an {Only God} story of mine with you!

A story of surrendering a fear that held me back for many years.

A story of surrendering my heart and my trust (regarding marriage) to my PERFECT Heavenly Father and the sweet way in which He walked with me through it! Encouraging me that “He was right there” the entire time!

“So, Lindsay, do you like him?” my therapist asked me!

“I think so; I think I could like him.” I carefully replied.

She said, “No, Lindsay, do you like him?”

I repeated in a very thoughtful way but with a slight stutter, “Yes, I do…I do…think…I like him”

She finally said, “Lindsay, I am not asking you if you think you like him; I am asking you how you feel.”

And I said, as genuinely as I could, “Yes, I think I feel like I like him.”

She shook her head, “Lindsay, take ‘think’ out of it. How do you FEEL about him?”

I thought to myself, “Feel…what exactly does she mean by ‘feel?’”

I didn’t know I was really that different than most other girls, I just thought they wanted to get married more than I did! I didn’t know until I sat in that same office as she looked at me a little strange when I described what I thought in my head being married looked like, being handcuffed to a stove.

I could tell it was weird by the look on her face! I thought, hmmmm, that must not be normal!

The idea of handcuffs represented way more than just having to ‘cook’ for someone, to me it represented this idea of being held down, being a slave!

I had heard from a previous counselor (yes I have had more than one, it’s OK) that I would tend to date emotionally unavailable men!

“WHAT” I proclaimed!

Then I started to see what she was talking about!

When one wanted to get close to me, I would start acting really crazy, they would break up with me or back away and then I would cry and feel sorry for myself.

Really I was just too confused to know my own antics. I don’t think I realized my own destructive behavior.

Fast forward a bit, as I started to understand God’s Word and His design for marriage, I started to wonder if maybe I was a bit off in my thought process concerning marriage. I heard for the first time that God created marriage and it was a good thing. I was shocked. I had no idea.

It wasn’t until I ended up at this “Restoration Conference” a few years ago that I went up to pray with these two women, where for the first time I admitted having a fear of marriage. A fear of my husband leaving me for another woman, the husband I didn’t even have yet! The sweet women prayed “Lord, please go into the garden of her heart and dig out this lie and replace it with something beautiful.” At that very moment, I saw this flower come to my mind (I thought this is weird, but oh well) I was crying so hard snot was running out of my nose, but then suddenly I saw a picture of me, walking down the aisle as a BRIDE.

I was SO shocked by this picture.

I had been a bridesmaid about 16 times at this point and NEVER EVER could imagine me as the bride. I was so shocked that I didn’t even tell them, I ran into the bathroom and exclaimed “Lord, that was You, that had to be You, I could never conjure up that image even if I wanted too.”

It was SO real and I knew it wasn’t me!

Three months later, while in Goodwill, I walked over near the dresses to see if I could get a good deal on a cute summer dress. I instead found myself looking at these wedding dresses, they were hideous, but beside one of them was this veil, I couldn’t walk away from it. I was arguing with myself, “Lindsay, what ARE you doing, walk away” but I just couldn’t. I picked it up, told myself I could get it if it was under $5.00. Maybe I could use it as decoration or something, but honestly I HAD NO IDEA why I was buying it. I felt stupid, but compelled. It came up to $4.97 (of course).

So off I went, telling the Lord that we couldn’t tell anyone of this strange thing I just did. I arrived home 45 minutes later, kind of forgetting about the whole fiasco. As I walked in my house, suddenly that same image (from 3 months ago) popped back in my head and I kid you not, I had just purchased the same EXACT veil I had on in the vision. I stood still in utter amazement, I said, “Lord, WHAT? I almost dropped to my knees, this IS crazy.” I just shook my head in amazement of how real God is, how this could even be!

Six months later an intern who had just started with our company came into my office and asked if she could talk to me, (Note: I had maybe said “Hi” to her once in passing); she then shut the door and sat down. She proceeded to tell me that the Lord put me on her heart as she was driving home the night before, so she started praying for me and she saw this image of me on my knees asking God if I were meant to be single and then she boldly told me the answer was NO! I just stared at her and calmly told her thank you as I was thinking about JUST that morning me kneeling by my bed asking God if I were met to be single?

I didn’t know what to say to her, I frankly didn’t even know her! How did she know?

These three events were unexplainable; they were so out of “the blue” as they say! Or were they?

A coincidence? I don’t believe so! I don’t believe in such a thing! I believe it was the God of the Universe, who knows every hair on my head, who knit me together in my mother’s womb who loves me (and YOU) so much that He told us to call Him Father! It was Him helping me along to surrender my fear, my fear that kept me comfortable and out of the “danger of rejection” for 30+ years.

I am 36 and still single. I recently surrendered that fear completely to the Lord. I don’t know what’s next, but I know God is good. I know He is able; I know my time is in His hands. I know marriage is beautiful, and I know it can be hard. More than that, I know that being free of fear is better than anything I could hope or imagine! I don’t know if your fear is marriage like mine was or if you fear never getting married. Either way, give that fear to the Lord, and watch the beautiful love of Jesus envelope your heart and take you on an adventure of a lifetime!

5 Comments on “An {Only God} Story of Mine

  1. Wow, what a wonderful story of how God is working in your life! I’m so glad He is helping you to overcome your fears. He’s really good at that (and everything for that matter!) and it’s wonderful that you are so open to His guidance! It’s such a blessing and He is so full of grace in the way He has his special ways of helping us! Thank you so much for sharing this! Your story is really is encouraging – as I know many of us – including me all struggle with some form of fear or anxiety about something. Here is hoping and praying that He continues to work within you concerning this and all areas of your life! 🙂

  2. Dear Miss Lindsay,
    you have reminded me how soft and how hert a womens heart can be.Dose not Gods word say that real love knows no fear.He tells us to seek him first and…..all things will be added tor given to us.Its hard but God works at snail pace,not our pace.He has a man for you that will rock your world.Stay on your knees,he knows when you will be ready.
    Keep sharing,God is doing great things with you.

  3. “I am uncertain of the next step, but I am certain of God.” ~Oswald Chambers
    You’re a precious gem Linz!

  4. Lindsay,

    I stumbled across your blog looking for a prayer to write a blog post this morning, I believe it was in your post about praying for your future husband. Anyways, reading this post this morning…I was almost in tears. I love reading stories about how the Lord works to reveal our fears, fears we don’t even realize we have. I will be praying for you on this journey in trusting the Lord with this period of singleness, perhaps leading to marriage! I often find the things that God has planned for us are things that we would NEVER picture ourselves doing. Big, scary, difficult things. The only way to face them is to trust Him. His ways are always good and perfect.

    Warmly,
    Stephanie

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