Was it really good old fashion unworthiness?
Was it that simple?
All these years?
I wanted to stand up on the airplane and yell “the DEVIL is a LIAR” when the reality popped into my head.
I love my life and I actually had to get really real with the Almighty in Heaven and ask myself, “do I really want to get married or am I ok and content being single?”
The answer after much deep reflection, prayer and tears was YES, YES I do. Even though I know it is not rainbows and puppy dogs 24-7 the answer is still YES, I do desire marriage. But not in a desperate way, I have been desperate for “love” before and that never ends up well. This time, it started with a question, a question that I had to settle in myself, reach into the deep of deep and ask myself. Do I REALLY desire marriage?
The answer was YES.
The question then remained, what keeps holding me back from entering in? To even dating let’s say?
Ever sense I met Jesus 6 1/2 years ago I was “the girl” that often said “I trust Jesus SO much that I believe He can bring my husband to my front door, I mean He created the universe.”
Which I do believe He could, I mean He is God, but in every other area of faith He asks us to “step out of the boat,” why did I think in this instance I could sit on my couch and wait for my dude to show up?
The truth is, the Lord recently revealed to me that I indeed may have unintentionally used that “strong faith” as a cover up, to protect myself.
I have passed up many opportunities in my life to “enter in” and it was out of FEAR. But then I had to walk through many of my fears (and it was not a cake walk to say the least). I thought I had overcome, I thought I was ready and open to dating.
But then I found myself being really weird in front of guys.
If they were cute (in my eyes) I was weird, if I didn’t find them attractive, I was weird. It was all very weird.
I needed and wanted to get to the bottom of this.
So, I prayed, I cried, I asked the One who created me, “Lord, what is it, dig it out even if it hurts, I know there is something off here”
As I sat on the plane over a month ago, my sanctuary in the sky I realized, wait.
I feel completely unworthy of a good marriage, or a husband I am attracted too.
COULD IT BE?
Could this whole mess be good (I say that with sarcasm) old fashion unworthiness?
It’s that simple?
The Bible says “there is nothing new under the sun” Ecclesiastes 1:9
When I looked up the word worthy in the dictionary it said “having good enough qualities to be considered important”
WORTHY is the LAMB!
WHO died for ME!
The Spirit of the Living, God lives in me, because of Jesus.
How dare the liar, the devil, the Father of lies, lie to me all these years.
God is working on me and digging out some things that are holding me back from just being Lindsay and not thinking so hard about the rest. I plan to share this journey with you, slightly awkward, but that is usually how I blog (almost too honest for comfort)
More to come on Lindsay “stepping over her fears and in “it” with Jesus” It will for sure be a journey! But this time, I know it is good and I have to trust God with ALL of my heart.
One step at a time! It’s all anyone of us can really do! Holding His hand walking with Him step by step! Putting our ear so close to Him, keeping our eyes on Jesus (The Word made flesh), in the Word of God and leaving all else out of it.
God is our Creator, the rest, the rest of this world was created by Him. He is the final authority in all things! We get the choice to believe that or not.
As I was preparing to post this a friend suggested I share some of the ways I have had to fight this unworthiness in my life, although the fight is still raging, the best “advice” I can provide is to first understand who you are in Christ. Your new identity in Him as a believer. I would start here!
Not sure what I mean by believer, read here!
See you next time as we journey together through the LIES that hold us down!
No More, Child of the Living God! No more!