I sat in a SOZO appointment recently (Holy Spirit led therapy as I like to call it) and I rambled about my confusion regarding this guy I thought was super cute and sweet. As I had recently released more and more fear in this area of men, dating, marriage and my heart condition in it all, I heard the nice lady say:
“I think you are using confusion as a way to protect yourself from getting hurt.”
My head flying back in disbelief I said, “AH, you have got to be kidding me, I just released fear as my false protector, and now you are saying confusion has come to take its place?” UGH!
My friend had just said something similar to me as I was rambling about my confusion to him before the appointment: “Lindsay, staying confused keeps you from making a decision and that feels safer than stepping into something that you fear either outcome, you are staying safe on the fence.”
Folks, I feared pain, the pain of possible rejection and the pain of it possibly working out. I know, kinda crazy, huh! I feared, so I was controlling through confusion.
I feared, so I was controlling through confusion. That’s really WEIRD.
Fear, control, and confusion often work side by side.
But we have to walk past them, we have to push through them, and that is not always easy, actually, I have found that it can be quite hard. But GOOD NEWS Jesus is right beside us, there to help us, He really is, we just have to ask.
We have to ask Jesus to help us, and then we have to ask ourselves:
- Self, what is confusing to you?
- Self, what do you fear about this particular situation?
- Self, what are you trying to control?
Then, we must ask Jesus the same questions.
Jesus, what are my fears in this situation?
Jesus, what am I trying to control?
Jesus, what part is confusion playing? What am I REALLY confused about?
The confusion comes to bring disorder in our minds. Sometimes it feels safe, but like fear it is a false protector, it’s hiding something that Jesus probably wants to heal.
In 1 Peter 5:8 the Bible says “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”
In the Greek language (the original language of the Bible) the word sober-minded is a verb meaning to exercise self-control.
“self-control” in our mind is what we are going to talk about here. And GOOD NEWS because self-control is a FRUIT of the Holy Spirit, so we don’t really have to muster it up, we can rather, ASK for HIS help!
It’s the simplest of prayers, “Holy Spirit will you help me here”?
The thing is controlling what we believe is an action; it is the renewing of our mind with what God says about us, rather than:
A) What we think ourselves.
B) What the dust people say about us (every human on earth)
Don’t believe all the thoughts you think about yourself, because our minds are influenced by so many different things and this is what causes confusion.
The definition of confusion is a state in which many things are happening in a way that is not controlled or orderly.
“many things are happening” can mean, many things happening around us, many things happening inside of us or many things being spoken over us (by random dust people or directly from the Father of Lies). All of this can cause confusion.
I love what I heard Bible teacher, Beth Moore recently say:
“It’s often important to ask…Who told you that?”
Who told you, you were confused?
Who told you, you were ugly?
Who told you, you were worthless?
Who told you weren’t good enough?
Who told you that?
And ask Holy Spirit to help you!
We must be sober-minded, we must be thoughtful about what we are thinking about, we must ask ourselves, where did that thought come from? And what is the fruit of that thought? Is it peace, joy, contentment? Or is it fear, anxiousness, confusion.
We are in a world with two kingdoms, the Kingdom of Heaven and the kingdom of darkness. Which Kingdom is your thought life coming from? We can all be influenced by both at any minute.
Which Kingdom are you allowing into your mind, to affect your emotions?
God (the God of the Bible) is not a God of confusion, so if you are confused, ask Jesus to show you His truth in your life and your situation. He says He will never leave you or forsake you and that He will always help you through His Spirit (the Holy Spirit). (Hebrews 13:5 and Isaiah 41:10)
Be encouraged, because we are promised that when we ask it will be given to us (Matthew 7:7) and in conjunction with James 1:5 when we ask for wisdom, we can be assured that He will provide what we need.
(Quick Pause, because I have to recommend this book that my writing mentor wrote on this subject of “Is God saying He is the One”, because it’s SO GOOD- Click HERE to Order)
Click Here for So Long Insecurity
I had to look this one up! and guys it wasn’t pretty, as I read through the list my eyes were wide open, at one point in my life I have struggled (or still struggle) with each one of these)
but there’s good news, so keep reading!
Do you attach too soon to another?
Do you exhibit excessive controlling behaviors (or thoughts)?
Do you find flaws in potential mates?
Do you sabotage your relationships?
Do you have constant fears of cheating?
Do you expect perfection?
Do you have commitment issues?
If you resonate with one or more of these statements, you may need a touch from your Heavenly Father as He applies His love to these broken places and heals your broken and wounded heart.
Similar to rejection abandonment can come from many sources at different times in life.
And knowing “it” has a name and speaking it will help us get free!
So NO SHAME! (that’s a lie too)
There is a lie the enemy loves to perpetrate and that is “this is just who you are,” he always wants to attack our identity, which never allows us the freedom to overcome.
Not only is our inheritance as followers of Jesus FREEDOM, it is also said that we are more than conquers, in Romans 8:37.
And the truth is, you are NOT your issues, and as I have realized recently, I am not mine!
LIE: I use to think I was such a disaster there was literally no hope.
TRUTH: God showed me I was wrong, there is ALWAYS Hope in Him!
Galatians 5:1 New American Standard Bible
It was for freedom that Christ Jesus set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.
The “feelings of abandonment” can seep into our thoughts about the future and tell us that what happen in the past is going to happen in the future and then fear is manifested on top of abandonment.
These are both LIES.
The Bible calls lies, YOKES OF SLAVERY.
The Bible is literally telling us NOT to be subject (in some translations it says) do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
There is a part for us to play, we are to stand against these lies. We must reject the fear that the enemy presents to us saying, “the abandonment is going to happen again.”
He uses our past against us. And it’s always him, people are rarely the problem, they may look like the problem, but they aren’t the real problem, the enemy is always the problem (see Epes. 6:12)
This fear of abandonment comes from the broken world we all live in! But my favorite promise throughout scripture is that our God (Jesus Christ Himself) will NEVER leave us or forsake us.
We may be abandoned by our friends, our families, our communities, our churches, our boyfriends, our bosses, and even ourselves, but we will NEVER be abandoned by our Heavenly Father, our Lord and Friend Jesus Christ and our Counselor and Comfortable the Holy Spirit of God.
Psalm 118:6 says “The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”
The fear of being abandoned is twisted and let me assure you it can wreak havoc in your life. It will tell you that you are something you are not; it WILL LIE to you! It will say to you “be careful Lindsay, don’t get too close, what if they leave you, you will surely die.”
WHAT? SHUT UP SATAN! I will not die.
If God is for me, who can be against me? (a portion of Romans 8:31)
And the fear of abandonment is actually taking two lies and twisting them around each other, to confuse you even more.
LIE #1: FEAR
LIE #2: Abandonment
“You don’t have to fear,” God says!
Google these promises and write them down on little white note cards and put them everywhere!
1 Peter 5:6-7
2 Timothy 1:7
Romas 12:2 do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. And the best book I ever read on this subject is Battle Field of the Mind By Joyce Myer, best money you will ever spend, CLICK HERE to Buy It Now.
Let’s do what the Creator of the Universe says and be transformed by the renewing of our minds!
We are more than conquers, we are overcomers, we have Jesus on our side, WE WIN! End of story!
Click Here to buy the book Captivating,
The message of Captivating is this: Your heart matters more than anything else in all creation.
Click Here to buy the book Life’s Healing Choices
We’ve all been hurt by other people, we’ve hurt ourselves, and we’ve hurt others. And as a result, every single one of us ends up with some sort of hurt, hang-up, or habit. But the question we all face is, Where do we go from here?
The LIE of rejection.
This one, the Spirit of Rejection also springs up in different ways. If this one really hurts, I have a GREAT suggestion on a book that just came out by a writing hero of mine on this subject. CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE
Rejection can seep in on the playground, at your church, in your family or at the office, without ever being spotted. It’s slimy, and it’s always evil, aka straight from the pit of hell.
The enemy is always the enemy, so no matter if rejection got to you through a friend, a pastor, a spouse or a family member, it’s never the people we are fighting with, it’s ALWAYS the enemy.
Now, does the enemy love to work through people? Absolutely, no question, that is his primary way. And if he can do it through someone super close to you, BAM, he knows that will hurt the worst.
I know, I hate it too. But as the Bible says in 1 Peter 5:8
Be sober-minded and alert. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.
Therefore, friends, we must fight, but we don’t fight alone, and we don’t fight against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12) and truthfully it’s not even our fight, the Lord says He will fight for us.
In my experience, we do play a part; we play a part that seems simple but for some reason doesn’t always “feel” simple. We must keep our eyes on Jesus Christ, for the Bible says:
Isaiah 26:3 (ESV)
You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on You,
because he trusts in You
Basically, keeping our minds on Him will give us perfect peace, because we are trusting in Him!
When we have been hurt by someone either in our past or in our current day situation, we have to forgive them. It’s oddly dangerous not to forgive. It has been said to affect our health in extreme ways. According to John Hopkins, one of the leading hospitals in the US; there are significant health benefits to forgiving.
Karen Swartz, M.D, at John Hopkins says “There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed.” She goes on to say that “Chronic anger puts you in a fight or flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease, and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.”
The Mayo Clinic reports that a lack of forgiveness can cause the feeling of your life lacking purpose.
The Bible warns us very clearly about the danger of unforgiveness. The truth is, the Bible is very clear in the parable in Matthew 18:21-35 that the devil does have access to torment us if we hold unforgiveness. So let’s take care of that now.
Note* forgiveness is one of those things that you do before you feel!
So let’s give it a try, close your eyes, ask the Holy Spirit (the Spirit of God that Jesus sent to live in YOU as a believer in Him) to show you who may have rejected you and what you need to forgive them for…
When you are ready…
1. Say out loud, ” I choose to forgive ___________ from my heart for ___________. (what they did to me)
2. Say out loud, “I cancel all debts or obligations owed to me by _________ for what they did to me.”
3. Say out loud, “I forgive myself for any pain I caused myself with this memory and for the unforgiveness, I have been carrying.”
awesome awesome awesome, so proud of you!
If you want to dig in more to this subject of rejection, click here.
Why is identity so important?
Because “as a man think in his heart, therefore He is” Proverbs 23:7 King James
What we believe about ourselves deep in our hearts, we will ultimately become.
I use to think really odd things about myself, but at the time, I thought those weird things were me, I didn’t know I had a creator who adored me and I surely didn’t know I had an adversary who wanted to destroy me. I had no idea of the war around me.
I didn’t know I had a choice who I put my identity in, I didn’t know I had a choice of what I put my identity in, I thought I was just who I was, “I “MUST” have been born this way, I thought!” That is what people would tell me, that is what tv would tell me, that is what my feelings were telling me, that is what life told me, I didn’t know I had a choice, I thought “this must just be who I am” therefore I must accept it, believe it and then as scripture says, I would become it.
THIS MAKES ME SAD, because I spent so many years believing TERRIBLE things about myself and guess what, I had to drink myself to an oblivion to drown out the things that I hated about myself that weren’t even TRUE.
I don’t pretend to know why people take their own lives, but I remember wanting to take mine and it was because what I believed was true about me, made me want to die.
God wanted me desperately to know who I was, as His beloved daughter, but He gives us free will, it was my choice, I just didn’t know it.
Well until that day, I heard the thoughts in my head so clearly, and they were so mean, but I didn’t know I was being lied to, all I heard was “you are worthless Lindsay, you are such an idiot, I can’t believe you thought anyone would ever love you, look what you did, you left everyone who would love you and now look at you pathetic again, you might as well just call it quits, you are SUCH a loser, NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU”
I didn’t know God at this time nor did I know the devil who I now know was talking to me, but by God’s grace, I called out to Him, I felt like I was being beaten over the head with a crowbar and as I felt like I was going to die, I simply said “God” not even knowing God and as clear as day I heard deep in my being “I am right here, Lindsay, I have always been right here” and without a shadow of a doubt, I KNEW it was God. I didn’t know God, but it was like He knew how to make Himself known to me.
The room went silent, the mean voice stopped and a tangible peace, Peace Himself came to the rescue.
It was the beginning of my walk towards Jesus! I didn’t know, but He would lead me to Himself. What a gracious GOD!
The actual definition of the word “identity” according to google is:
the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.
what a person is?
What are we?
I think my sociology professor wrote that on the blackboard back in college.
What are we?
- Are we who we love?
- Are we who we hate?
- Are we what we desire?
- Are we what we do?
- Are we what we feel?
According to the bible, no, we are not what we do, not even close. We are in fact none of these.
We are beloved children of the MOST HIGH GOD, so that lie that no one will ever love me, was the furthest thing from the truth, actually what the enemy was trying to tell me was the exact opposite of what God the Creator of the Universe says about me.
What is God saying about you? And what is the enemy saying about you?
The only true and sure way to know this is to search scripture, find out what the Creator of the Universe who calls you daughter, who calls you son has to say about you because it is not only true, it’s beautiful, it’s stunning and it will make you blush!
You may not be all those things that those around you say you are, you may not be those feelings that you have, you are definitely not those mean thoughts in your head, you are not who the media says you are, you are without a doubt who GOD SAYS YOU ARE and I can promise you that even if you don’t “feel” like that, it doesn’t mean it’s not true.
What is true, is what scripture says about you, that is what is true, whether you feel like it or not. If you have been believing a lie about yourself for years, it may take time to unravel.
If what you think about yourself doesn’t line up with scripture, you are being deceived and let me tell you I was deceived about some things for 39 years, so when I tell you that what you think you are may not be true, I am speaking from experience.
Has it taken time for me to unravel those lies, yes, a long time actually. But He is a healer, a restorer and a redeemer and if we continue to seek Him, He will show us the way out of the lie.
Father, God I pray for these precious people that read this blog, you know every hair on their head, you know every desire of their heart, and you know every lie they are believing about who they are, Lord, reveal, send your Holy Spirit to show them the truth of who they were made to be, who they are in You, Lord it’s only by your grace that any of us are free from the lies, come and heal our minds, hearts, bodies and souls, our emotions, our wills. WE CAN’T DO IT WITHOUT YOU.
It is in the powerful and almighty name of Jesus Christ I PRAY!
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As we talked about last time, there are these LIES that the enemy tells us from a young age! It’s sad, but it’s true, and it’s OK because our God, Jesus, came to destroy the works of the devil. 1 John 3:8
As we seek Him, we can overcome these lies and move forward with tons of peace, JOY, and love in our lives.
But first, we must confront these lies. We must look inside to see if we have in fact been lied to.
Lie#1. Unworthiness- which talked about in our last post- click here to read!
Lie#2. Fear- let’s deal with this TODAY!
The devil comes only to kill, steal and destroy. John 10:10
But “I have come that you may have life, and have it abundantly,” Jesus said.
I can only talk about these “lies” with a passion because I have dealt with each one very personally. And I believe our sweet God allowed it so I could encourage you that they can be overcome. For it is God’s will for you to be FREE in Jesus Christ! John 8:32
So let’s continue!
Fear comes in many many many forms, but for this article, we are going to talk about the fear of men. As in guys!
You might think of it like fearing intimacy with men.
I had such a misunderstanding of men because I believed terrible lies about them for years.
One specific lie that I believed about men is that I wasn’t good enough for a man to really love me.
When God started to reveal a way out for me, a way out of this “fear of intimacy, this fear that I wasn’t good enough,” it was well, scary.
One day a few years ago, I was journaling at my friend Sarah’s house in Atlanta, GA, I had a sense that the Lord was asking me to do online dating.
Now I had done this before- but in the most unhealthy way POSSIBLE, I was desperate and needy for love, because I hadn’t yet realized the healing power of the very real and tangible love of God through Jesus Christ.
So the idea of doing this again seemed SO UNHOLY to me. I was totally against it; I thought it meant I didn’t trust God.
“Lord this CANNOT be you, I need major confirmation if this is you,” I exclaimed.
My friend Sarah is the most AMAZING Bible Teacher ever, and I respect her opinion in a fierce way.
As I shared with her what I thought the Lord was showing me, she said, “Lindsay, although I am not an outspoken proponent of online dating typically, I think for you, with your history of fearing men, this could be a way for you to be more comfortable around men.”
She then said, “I would pray before you go, see what the Lord wants to show you.”
And crazy enough this lined up quite well with what Dr. Henry Cloud’s book talks about (mentioned in this post).
Dating is for learning about yourself and others and seeing what might be a good fit for a lifetime.
UGH.. it seemed horrifying to me to actually have to FACE MY FEAR. Well the LIE that caused the fear.
But here is the thing, when you still believe the lie, you don’t have much clarity that it is a lie. You aren’t sure why you do what you do or feel like you feel, it’s a lie, so it tends to cause confusion.
What I have come to learn is that it isn’t about a one size fits all, for some people online dating isn’t wise because they have different tendencies than I do. For instance, it’s not a good idea for me to drink alcohol anymore because I was an alcoholic. And I didn’t know it at the time, it seemed like I was just a really fun party girl, but I had a deep dependence on alcohol to cope with things I couldn’t handle.
So if a woman knows that her tendency with men is to indulge like I did with alcohol, to fill a void or cope in some way, then it’s probably NOT a good idea for that woman.
But sweet one, that is something to ask God in prayer, I believe He will show you because the Bible says He knows what we need even before we ask. Matthew 6:8
So let’s pause there for today.
And BE EXCITED and ENCOURAGED that the Lord is good, and His LOVE endures forever, even while we wait for whatever it is we are waiting for in this life.
“Father, I pray you pour out your love in a new and unique way to every person who reads this prayer. Father, I pray whether they have known You 5 minutes or 55 years, you show them a new side of YOUR love this week!”
Friend, you are dearly loved, you are His beloved. Allow yourself to be loved today, ask Your Heavenly Father to love you today and just keep your eyes open for how He shows you He adores you!
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