Was it really good old fashion unworthiness?

Was it that simple?

All these years?

I wanted to stand up on the airplane and yell “the DEVIL is a LIAR” when the reality popped into my head.

I love my life and I actually had to get really real with the Almighty in Heaven and ask myself, “do I really want to get married or am I ok and content being single?”

The answer after much deep reflection, prayer and tears was YES, YES I do. Even though I know it is not rainbows and puppy dogs 24-7 the answer is still YES, I do desire marriage. But not in a desperate way, I have been desperate for “love” before and that never ends up well. This time, it started with a question, a question that I had to settle in myself, reach into the deep of deep and ask myself. Do I REALLY desire marriage?

The answer was YES.

The question then remained, what keeps holding me back from entering in? To even dating let’s say?

Ever sense I met Jesus 6 1/2 years ago I was “the girl” that often said “I trust Jesus SO much that I believe He can bring my husband to my front door, I mean He created the universe.”

Which I do believe He could, I mean He is God, but in every other area of faith He asks us to “step out of the boat,” why did I think in this instance I could sit on my couch and wait for my dude to show up?

The truth is, the Lord recently revealed to me that I indeed may have unintentionally used that “strong faith” as a cover up, to protect myself.

I have passed up many opportunities in my life to “enter in” and it was out of FEAR.  But then I had to walk through many of my fears (and it was not a cake walk to say the least).  I thought I had overcome, I thought I was ready and open to dating.

But then I found myself being really weird in front of guys.

If they were cute (in my eyes) I was weird, if I didn’t find them attractive, I was weird. It was all very weird.

I needed and wanted to get to the bottom of this.

So, I prayed, I cried, I asked the One who created me, “Lord, what is it, dig it out even if it hurts, I know there is something off here”

As I sat on the plane over a month ago, my sanctuary in the sky I realized, wait.

I feel completely unworthy of a good marriage, or a husband I am attracted too.

COULD IT BE?

Could this whole mess be good (I say that with sarcasm) old fashion unworthiness?

YOU.HAVE.GOT.TO.BE.KIDDING!

It’s that simple?

The Bible says “there is nothing new under the sun” Ecclesiastes 1:9

When I looked up the word worthy in the dictionary it said “having good enough qualities to be considered important”

WORTHY is the LAMB!

WHO died for ME!

The Spirit of the Living, God lives in me, because of Jesus.

How dare the liar, the devil, the Father of lies, lie to me all these years.

God is working on me and digging out some things that are holding me back from just being Lindsay and not thinking so hard about the rest. I plan to share this journey with you, slightly awkward, but that is usually how I blog (almost too honest for comfort)

More to come on Lindsay “stepping over her fears and in “it” with Jesus” It will for sure be a journey! But this time, I know it is good and I have to trust God with ALL of my heart.

One step at a time! It’s all anyone of us can really do! Holding His hand walking with Him step by step! Putting our ear so close to Him, keeping our eyes on Jesus (The Word made flesh), in the Word of God and leaving all else out of it.

God is our Creator, the rest, the rest of this world was created by Him. He is the final authority in all things! We get the choice to believe that or not.

As I was preparing to post this a friend suggested I share some of the ways I have had to fight this unworthiness in my life, although the fight is still raging, the best “advice” I can provide is to first understand who you are in Christ. Your new identity in Him as a believer. I would start here!

Not sure what I mean by believer, read here!

See you next time as we journey together through the LIES that hold us down!

No More, Child of the Living God! No more!

Prayers for Freedom Click Here

Let’s talk about LOVE

I have been talking so much about fear lately it is time to talk about what sends fear screaming out the door. love!

The Bible says “Perfect LOVE casts out all fear” 1 John 4:18

Amen to that.

I believe with all my heart that love, the love of the Perfect Father in Heaven is what changes people. It changed me and it also changed my friend.

And the cool thing is, He offers it to everyone. Every.Single.Person who chooses to receive His love, through His Son Jesus Christ.

All are adopted into His family, when we choose to see our sin for what it is, sin, and then ask for forgiveness, we are saved. We are saved, covered and changed, by Jesus Christ, the son of the living God and then grafted into His family as sons and daughters of yes, the living God. No matter the sin or the past, you (who choose to believe) are in right relationship with God the Father because of King Jesus!

It’s called GRACE……

AMAZING GRACE!

(for more on this click here)

now for the LOVE story! 

A dear dear friend (sister actually) you know a sister friend of mine -always points back to a time when her and I were exploring the things of God and ended up in this random upstairs apartment in the middle of Midtown Atlanta. We were there to hear this women speak who ran an orphanage in India. We were sitting on hard floors for hours because her way of talking about God, Jesus and Holy Spirit were so new to my friend and I we could have stayed all night to listen.  We were captivated!

Her stories of straight up miracles were “eyes wide open, mouth on the floor” type of miracles.

As we left and walked down stairs, I will never forget my friend turning to me and saying “I can’t believe God adopts us into His family.”

I think I was still thinking about the miracles and how crazy but amazing they were, but I didn’t really pick up on what she picked up on.

See my friend had lost her mother when she was just 6 years old and when she heard the women speak on Ephesians 1:5

“God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.” NLT

……it changed something in her.

Still today, actually just last night she said the very same thing and has for years now. “I am just so thankful for God’s love for me, I just can’t thank Him enough for being my Father and loving me so much!”

I would say that my friend has a deep and profound revelation of the Father’s love for her and she would probably tell you that it is indeed what shifted something big in her heart and in her mind and therefore in her life.

The LOVE of Father God.

She actually lost her earthly father 2 ½ years ago just 6 months before her wedding, but we both knew that her Heavenly Father was the One who was walking before her down the aisle to meet her husband, whom will actually be a father himself in just a few short days. A little boy they will be having, who may be a father himself one day. But more important than that, we pray that little Noah will have the same profound revelation of the Father’s love that His mamma does.

Because Love, perfect unconditional love that all humans need, is actually God Himself. The Bible speaks so clearly that God IS Love. Just stop and think about that. God is love. God created us, He can’t help but love us and He created the need in every human heart for love, some find love on earth and that is a gift from God. The things is God created every.single.human to need and thrive in love. And since He created the universe and every person on earth, He created us all to need what He is. Which is LOVE.

I just want to scream and shout, THAT IS SO COOL!

If you want to ask to be in the family of God, here is a short guide for what to pray to receive Jesus Christ as a covering for your sins and to be reconciled back to Father God in right relationship. He is waiting for you to ASK!

Jesus, I need you. I need your life and your love. I believe you are the Son of God. I believe that your death on the cross was for me– to rescue me from sin and death and to restore me to the Father in Heaven. I choose right now to surrender my life to you. I turn from my sin and my self-determination, and I give my life to you. Thank you for loving me and forgiving me. Come and take your rightful place in my heart and in my life. Be my Savior and my Lord. Live in me; live through me. I am yours

no part, not.any.thing, no thing

James 1: 2-3 Consider it all JOY when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance (the bearings of evil and suffering with tranquil mind) And let endurance result (to work) that you may be perfect and complete (perfectly sound {in body} entire, whole) lacking nothing (no part, not.any.thing, no thing)..

When I came across this verse the other night, in the S T R A N G E S T way ever, I read the word “nothing”, and thought, “lack NOTHING?”  I wonder what NOTHING really means?

I ran to get my Key Word Study Bible that my brilliant Bible Teaching friend Sarah told me to buy. With this handy little Bible you can look up the Greek and Hebrew meaning of a word, to see what the original language might have been saying. 

I was curious about the word, NOTHING. I thought, it must mean something in the original language. I mean nothing is so final, its so absolute. It couldn’t possibly mean nothing. 

Could it?

So I ran around this sweet little cottage I live in searching for that specific Bible, after searching for it, saying a quick, “Lord help me find that Bible” prayer, I realized it was in my car, so I zipped out and got it. 

As I opened up to James, I dug into a few other words in the Greek, such as the word endurance (as it is used at the beginning of the verse) and it said to mean (the bearings of evil and suffering with a tranquil mind). YES PLEASE.. I would love to have a tranquil mind while fighting these evil lies that try to creep into my brain. I love that definition…

But I was still curious about the word “nothing” there was no little number beside it, which indicates that there is a different or deeper meaning in the Greek dictionary. I was kind of disappointed, I was excited to see what nothing really meant. 

So I resorted to the good ole Merriam- Webster (online version of course) and it said

Nothing

–no part

–not any thing

–no thing

So what I am reading is if I endure my trials and my suffering, it will work to make me complete, whole, lacking NOTHING (no part, not any thing, no thing.)

That’s kind of awesome!!!!! It really produces HOPE, huh? Hope that if we wait well in our trials, there is this ‘lacking nothing’ that we will get too. 

Then the next verse says “but if any of you lacks wisdom let him ask God who gives to all men generously and without reproach and it will be given to him”

(so while we wait, we can ask wisdom from God).

y’all, He created the universe and your inner most being, He is saying we can come to Him and ask for wisdom. 

I don’t know about you, but this is good news for me. As I am in this new chapter of life and just about everything seems pretty uncertain, I have the confidence that during this time of trial and testing (which has been kinda hard) I know that He is working things out so that I will lack NOTHING. no part, not any thing, no thing. AND while I wait and maybe do lack a few things, I can go to the One who created everything and ask for wisdom (in ANYTHING). Sounds like a good deal to me!

What do you do when you feel SO ugly..

write about it on the internet?

I mean most people probably don’t, but anyway…..

Before I left for LA, I had this MAJOR self image crises, it was kind of weird. Suddenly I found myself scrambling for new make-up, new hair, a new face care regimen, new anything to make myself look different, I hated the way I looked.

I thought I had gotten over this a few years ago:

-this self hatred thing…

-this looking at myself in the mirror with disgust thing….

-this seeing a picture of myself and thinking “is that me, is that what I look like, what’s wrong with me?” thing…

But, it popped up again the other day without me noticing, all the sudden, I couldn’t stand the sight of myself.

The Bible speaks SO clearly about the enemy who comes to steal, kill and destroy. (John 10:10)

your peace, your joy, your thankfulness, your everything.

The Bible says, be sober of mind for the devil is like a roaring lion seeking for who he can devour. (1 Peter 5:8-9)

WHAT…….thankfully the Bible also says, He who is in me (and YOU as a believer of Jesus), is stronger than he who is in the world. (1 John 4:4) And I will praise Jesus for that truth, the thing was this self hatred thing felt real, it felt really really real and it felt like it wasn’t going to go away this time.

I remember coming to the conclusion on one of those “hard birthdays” that this was the youngest I was ever going to be, here on earth, so I should be thankful instead of hateful and mean to myself.

When I was 25 I thought I was so ugly, but 12 years later after seeing a picture of my 25 year old self, my 37 year old self thought, “Gosh, I was kinda pretty, why did I think I was so ugly?”

Then I started to think, “Lindsay when you are 50 you are going to think your 37 year old self was pretty. SO STOP BEING MEAN TO YOURSELF…..”

Back when I was in Atlanta I was over hating the mirror so I took some old lip stick and wrote “How Lovely is Your Dwelling Place OH LORD Almighty.” Psalm 84:1 really big on my mirror. That way every time I wanted to agree with the enemy about how ugly I was, the lip stick scripture would smack me in the face. I would then suddenly realize that I was hating the very dwelling place of the Holy, Living God of the Universe. I think that is kind of wrong. I mean I am not a theologian but doesn’t sound right to me.

Recently I found this little nugget of love in Song of Solomon:

“Behold, you are beautiful, my love, behold you are BEAUTIFUL.”  Song of Solomon 4:1

-GOD (the One who created the UNIVERSE)

The One who created the universe says I (and YOU) are beautiful, who are we to disagree with Him? I mean, SERIOUS. 

Y’all, we really need to put aside the “feelings” we have about ourselves and instead replace those ugly thoughts with the truth of who we are, we are beloved and beautiful. 

You are beloved and BEAUTIFUL

Lindsay the random blogger girl is not saying this about you, It’s God!

You are the Apple of His eye! (Zechariah 2:8) 

The Word of God says so…..

So, let’s respond to the enemy like Jesus did, reminding the devil of what GOD says: 

“It is written, I am the dwelling place of the Lord of Lords and King of Kings, the God MOST High and He calls me lovely, He calls me beautiful”

Every word of God is flawless. (Proverbs 30:5) and Truth is Truth!

 

Doubt, Fear and Love!

When confusion and fear came rushing in, I wasn’t sure what was happening. I held tightly to my Bible even though deep down I was questioning the very existence of God, the very God who delivered me from SO SO much over the past 6 years. (Hello, my name is Lindsay and I am an Israelite)

It was crazy and the reason why I didn’t blog. I had nothing to share with you, I was busy holding onto my faith like it was going to slip out of my very hands.

It sounds dramatic, but to be honest, it kinda WAS, it was very scary. The problem was I wasn’t sure what was going on, I just felt confused and scared. I started to see that fear was overtaking me and I couldn’t reconcile why.

Then, I realized it was just plain old fashion doubt and unbelief!

Pretty simple yet pretty powerful!

When the doubt and unbelief started to sneak in, it eroded my first line of defense, FAITH and my first line of offense, the Sword of the Spirit, which is the very Word of God!

When you doubt, when you put down your shield of faith, like I did, you try to stab around with your sword (the Word of God), but you doubt God is good or God is for you or that God is even real so you doubt His Word is true therefore how could it really help you.

The fear that God wasn’t real led to me to think I had to take control of my life. (which is the lie)

But here is what I learned happens to us when we entertain fear, we also entertain the following:

Insecurity (who is going to help me?)

Inadequacy (I am going to mess this up)

Inferiority (I am not good enough to receive this blessing)

Timidity (I can’t stand up for what I believe)

Worry and Anxiety (what IF _______________)

Sensitivity

Fear of Authority (what if what they are telling me is wrong)

Terror

Trauma

Torment

Nightmares

Panic Attacks

Phobias (of the future, I better secure my future because no one else will)

Nervousness (thinking bad things are going to happen)

Abandonment (no one will remember me)

Procrastination

These things we invite in when we entertain FEAR!

My fear came from my doubt and unbelief that God IS REAL, IN CONTROL and IN LOVE WITH ME!

It all stemmed from there.

So what do we do? How do we cast fear out?

The Bible is clear, Perfect Love, CASTS OUT FEAR. 1 John 4:8

The Bible says:

God IS Love (1 John 4:8)

He is Perfect (Matthew 5:8)

He IS Perfect Love, when we can get past  the lies and false feelings and receive His LOVE truly, we begin to believe that we are the apple of His eye Zechariah 2:8, that His thoughts about us (YOU) out number the very sand of the sea (Psalm 139: 17-18) (which is absurd, do you know how much sand there is?) that’s when we can tell fear to take a hike and instead stand on the TRUTH of God’s Word. He loves US! Love that we cannot comprehend on earth, we can’t even imagine the kind of Love He has for us.

Let’s ask Him! Let’s ask Him about His love for us.

I challenge you to wake up tomorrow (and every morning), and ask Him how He loves you!

Watch and Listen, He is with you and He will show you if you ask!

Lord God, you are God and we are not. Please Lord forgive us for our unbelief, restore in us a faith that comes from You, as You Jesus are the author and perfector of our faith. Lord, you say if we lack wisdom, to come to You and You will give it to us without measure, so Lord, we come to You and ask for your wisdom on what is holding us back from receiving Your love, show us, tells us, bring it to our hearts and minds, let us repent, let us give you our fear. We bind ourselves to You Jesus and Your Word which is living and active. We loose all that was stolen from us in this fight for our faith, restore in us now Lord all that we have been missing in You.

We choose to receive from You now absolute perfect Love, all that You are and all that You want to be in and through us!

In Jesus mighty name, we Pray and Believe that you are who you say you are, Perfect Love that LOVES a flawed person like me, all because of Jesus, He made a way for me to You and I am grateful! 

Thank you Lord! In your name Jesus, we pray!

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